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Hungry Fellows

October 20, 2011

This is a play I wrote back in highschool. Just found a copy of it so I decided to type it up.

—————

-At the Fruit Stand-
Guy – Hmmmm, I think I’ll take a stroll around town.
Mark – O.K., but Let’s stop for some food on the way.

(The two walk down the street)

Salesman (Shouting to everyone) – Bananas, twenty-five cents a piece!

Guy (To Salesman) – Oh boy, bananas! How much?

Salesman – Twenty-five cents each, or three for a dollar!

Guy – Wow, three for a dollar? What a bargain!

Mark (To Guy) – Wait a minute…

Guy (To Mark) – Will you hold it? I’m making a sale here.

Mark – But I don’t think…

Guy (Interrupting) – I said I’m making a sale here. When you’re buying something, do I interrupt you?

Mark – Well no…

Guy (Interrupting) – Exactly!

(Guy Turns to talk to the Salesman)

O.k., I’ll take 3 bananas.

Salesman – That’s one dollar. Here you go.

(Salesman hands over 2 bananas)

Guy (To self) – Oh boy!

Mark (Angrily to salesman) – Wait a minute, that’s only two bananas!

Guy (Also to salesman) – Yes, he’s right. What’s the big idea?

Salesman (To Both) – No that’s three. (Takes both bananas back and holds one in each hand)

(Holds up first hand) I got one banana in this hand.

(Lowers first hand and raises second hand)

I got two banana in this hand. One banana and two banana is three banana.

(Holds both hand forward to hand them back to Guy)

Guy (To Mark) – That’s better.

Mark (To Guy) – But that’s still only two bananas.

Guy (To Mark) – (Repeating imitating the salesman’s accent and hand gestures) No, it’s like this… I got one banana in this hand. I got two banana in this hand. One banana, two banana, 3 banana.

Mark – Now wait a minute, that’s only two!

Guy (Frustrated) – Huruuumph… Now listen here and listen up.

(Struggles to continue imitating the salesman’s accent and hand gestures from frustration) I got one banana in this hand, right?

Mark – Yes.

Guy – I got two banana in this hand, right?

Mark – Yes.

Guy – So I got one banana, two banana, three banana.

Mark – Sure. Whatever. Just give me my banana.

Guy – O.k. here’s mine…

(Hands banana to Salesman)

…and here’s one for the salesman for being such a nice guy.

Mark – But then where’s my banana?

Guy – I don’t know, you must have lost it.

Mark – I never had one.

(points at the salesman)

You gave it to him.

Guy – Don’t make up stories like that. Let’s go.

(end scene)

– At the Bakery –

(Guy and Mark walk in to the bakery)

Baker (To Both) – Hi. How ca I help you?

Mark (Quietly to Guy) – I don’t want to get ripped off this time. Let me handle it.

(To Baker)

What is it that you do here?

Baker (To Mark) – I’m a pilot.

Mark – A pilot, in a bakery?

Baker – Yes? What’s wrong with that?

Mark – What does a pilot do in a bakery?

Baker – Simple! I take the dough from one corner and I “pilot” in the other.

Guy (Interjecting) – That sounds reasonable.

Mark (To Guy) – Quiet. I said I’d handle this.

(To Baker)

Can I talk to somebody else here?

Baker – Sure. I’ll go get him for you.

(Exits through back door)

Mark (To Guy) – See, I told you I could handle this.

Baker (Enters room wearing a different hat) – Hi.

Mark (To baker) – Aren’t you that pilot?

Baker – No, he quit.

Guy – Oh that’s sad. Why?

Baker – He didn’t like the dough so he quit. Now all he does is loafs.

Guy – Oh, I see. That makes sense.

Mark (To Guy) – Will you be quiet?

Guy (To Mark) – Sure, but you don’t have to yell.

Mark (Turning back to the Baker) – So what is it that you do here?

Baker – I’m a techno-grief.

Mark – What’s a techno-grief?

Baker – Simple. I techno grief from nobody.

Guy (To Baker) – (Non-chalantly points to Mark) He techno grief from nobody either.

Mark (To Guy) – Will you be quiet?

Guy (To Mark) – O.k.

Mark – I said “be quiet”!

Guy – And I said “O.k.”

Mark – Then Be quiet.

Guy – I am!

Mark – Stop that!

Guy – Stop what?

Mark – Nevermind. (Turns to the baker)

Baker (To Both) – I’m sorry but we’re closing now.

Guy (To Baker) – “We”? How many people do you got in there?

Baker – Just me.

Guy – Then who is “we”?

Baker – The store.

Guy (Leans in and whispers) – You know if you need some help, I know a great psychiatrist down on…

Mark (To Guy, Interrupting) – Do you realize what you’ve just done?

Guy (To Mark) – Yes I opened my mouth and words came out.

Mark – Right, now don’t let it happen again.

Guy – O.k.

(Guy and mark exit the bakery. The baker switches hats again and locks the door)

– At the Docks –

Mark (To Guy) – Oh look. A fish stand. I’m starved. You stay here and I’ll go get the fish. We should have better luck that way.

(Mark leaves and a Pirate enters)

Pirate (To Guy) – Hi.

Guy (To Pirate ) – Oh, hello.

Pirate – You got a vessel of your own?

Guy – Yes. Lots of them. They carry blood through my body.

Pirate – No, I mean a sea vessel!
Guy – No, but I bet that you do.

Pirate – Arrrgh.

Guy – You got something caught in your throat?

Pirate – Arrrgh, no.

Guy (Mumbles to self) – That sure is some bad cough.

Pirate – You see this boat here?

Guy (To Pirate) – Sure, how could I miss it?

Pirate – Arrrgh, she’s a ‘buet.

Guy (Mumbles to self) – There’s that cough again.

Pirate – She made plenty ‘o trips. Makes a good story.

Guy – Oh, it’s a she?

Pirate – Arrrgh. Once it went forty days off course, but she held together through the rain and storms.

Guy (Mumbles to self) – There’s that cough again.

Pirate – The weather’s getting bad. She looks like a bad night to sail. Arrrgh.

Guy (Mumbles to self) – Again, he needs to cover his mouth.

(Turns to Pirate)

I’m gonna go before I catch that cold.

(Guy starts to exit when Mark comes back)

Guy (To Mark) – How’d you make out?

Mark (To Guy) – No Luck

Guy – What happened?

Mark – Well I asked the guy: “How much can I get for five bucks” and he started swearing at me!

Guy – Swearing. What did he say?

Mark – Well he sad “Just for the Halibut!”. I told him I didn’t want any trouble and I left.

Guy – Do you know what I would have done?

Mark – No, and I don’t care. It’s getting late and we need to eat something. I’m absolutely starved.

Guy (Thinks for a moment) – I just had an idea.

Mark – What’s that?

Guy – There’s a place downtown that gives you juice and a cookie and all you have to do is…

Mark (Interrupting) – Forget that. We need something real to eat. Not just a cookie.

(A man with a French accent approaches)

Frechman (to both) – Oh look, you poor fellows. You must be starved. Our dinner guests canceled and we have far too much food left over for my wife and I.

Guy (To Frenchman) – Thank you mister. You’re a life saver.

(The 3 Exit towards the Frechman’s house)

– At The Dinner Table –

Frenchman (To Both) You two have a seat here.

Guy (Points to chair and addresses the Frenchman) – Here?

Frenchman (To Guy) – Oui.

Guy – I thought you already ate.

Frenchman – I did.

Guy – Then shouldn’t just the two of us sit here.

Frenchman – Oui.

Guy – No, just us.

Frenchman (Chuckling) – No. O – U – I means “yes”.

Guy – Then what does I – O – U mean?

Mark (To Guy) – Will you just be quiet and sit down?

Guy (To Mark) – I’ll sit down but I won’t be quiet.

Mark – Don’t you know proper manors?

Guy – No, are they friends of yours?

Mark (Angrily) – Just sit down!

(Cut scene)

– After Dinner –

Frenchman (To Both) –  Could we trouble you for some dessert?

Guy (To Frenchman) – No, I don’t have any trouble eating dessert.

(Frenchman exits and Guy turns and whispers to Mark)

How many people does he hav in there?

Mark (To Guy) – Will you be quiet?

Frenchman (Returns with dessert) – Here you go.

Guy (To Frenchman) – This is delicious. Did you make this?

Frecnhman (To Guy) – Oui.

Guy – So your wife helped?

Frenchman – No, I made it myself.

Mark (To Guy) – Would you stop that?

(Turns to Frenchman)
You’ll have to excuse my friend here.

Guy (To Both) – Can he excuse me over there?

Mark (To Guy) – What are you talking about?

Guy (To Mark) – Well if I do something wrong over there, can he excuse me?

Mark – Stop goofing around and act your age…

(Pauses for a moment to think of something clever)

… Not your IQ

Guy – But I -AM- thirty-two!

Mark (Shakes his head and turns to the Frenchman) – This was excellent. I would like to invite you over to my house to have supper sometime. How ‘bout it?

Frenchman (To Mark) – Oui!

Guy (To Frechnman) – Oh your wife can come too.

Mark (To Guy) – Just stop that.

(Turns to Frechnman)

So what night would you like to have supper.

Guy (Interrupting) – Oh I like to have supper everynight.

Mark & Frenchman (Yelling) – NOT YOU!

– End –

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