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The Punking on Fiverr

Like ladies deodorant that works well past its expiration, this has a well kept secret. ThePunKing sells puns on the gig selling service Fiverr.com. Just supply a topic and I’ll supply you with a list of jokes. These are great for openings in writing, promotional material, or just a fun way to attract attention for a community event. So if you need some groomer humor, political gaffe laughs, or just a belt buckle chuckle, drop a fiverr and get some new material for your joke telling quilt.

All orders are express (available in 24 hours), customized, I always go above and beyond to fill everyone’s needs (like a pilot in a bakery), and are targeted for the correct age range and audience. So what are you stopping without counting to five?… I mean what are you waiting for? Check out this gig today!

Where an Angel Gets Her Wings

I’ve been following a wonderful writing blog called A Writer’s Path. Every Tuesday this blog posts a series of great quotes and writing prompts designed to help aspiring writers keep their craft fresh with short stories. The following post is a short story based on one of the writing prompts. But I’m sure that when he wrote these writing prompts he didn’t expect anything like this…

It was the 3rd Sunday of the month and that could mean only 1 thing. The angel chorus would host their monthly dinner at the legion hall. As the janitors were setting up the hall for the event, Gabby, Cassie, and Angelica graced their favorite table with their presence. The three angels sat on pins and needles waiting for their friends to arrive with home made dishes. These ladies did not covet the food. The main event was quietly giggling as they gossiped about each arriving angel.

The first to ascend the stairs was Sarah. Sarah Fimm carried in sweetly marinated pieces of chicken. The aroma passed by Gabby’s nose, who was so tempted by the aroma, she nearly fell.

“They smell simply heavenly!” she gasped.

“Yes, we’ll have to ask her where she got her wings,” Angelica quipped.

Giggling followed, but stopped when another angel, Danielle, swooped in. She was robed in her finest dress and carried a green bean casserole.

Gabby let out a wretch, “No, not the casserole! She always puts in a whole pillar of salt.”

“Eh! Let up Gabby, will ya? You’re-a always harping on-a her.” responded Cassie. A catholic, her Roman accent was so thick you could smell the olive branches.

“What? All I’m saying is that when it comes to casseroles, she wouldn’t know good from evil. Maybe it’s just me”

Gloria also arrived and began talking to Danielle. She had carried in with her quail stuffed with breading.

Angelica’s eyes lit up. This was her favorite dish and all she could say was, “I have to know where she got this recipe.”

Gabby was pretty confident, “I’ve heard, and I’m not saying from whom, that she got that recipe from Man…a baker no doubt!”

“You don’t say?”

“Why, yes. It took the man 40 years in the dessert business before he decided to focus on game birds.”

“Well, for Pete’s sake! I’m glad he did!”

Cassie finally chimed in, “I love-a da quail too. Last-a month I saw-dem and wanted some-more-a.”

An army of angels came as well, arriving rank and file. Angelica started to notice that only the women were there.

“Where are all the fellows? Ship leave town or something?”

“No, no. My husband and all of his sports buddies are watching the Saint’s game,” Gabby explained.

“Then they’re a bunch of philistines. Skipping the potluck for a ball game. As far as I’m concerned, that’s wrong and they are guilty as sin!”

“Oh-a calm down-a. They are about-a ready to eat”

The room was suddenly full with angels at every table. Patience, the head choirmaster, walked up to the podium, proudly wearing her Verch State University jacket over her dress.

Angelica huffed. “I don’t like our new choirmaster. I mean, what does she know about singing?”.

“But you know she is a good teacher. Patience is a Verch-U graduate after all!”

“I-a like her. She insists that-a we practice-a on the mountain tops-a. She’s-a very down to Earth kind-a teacher, huh?”

Just then, Patience got on the horn to welcome everyone to the monthly lunch. She gave a nice speech to encourage everyone. The angels all smiled as the choirmaster sung their praises.

But nun-too-soon the speech was over and dinner was ready. Gabby, Cassie, and Angelica all stood up. The carpet underneath showed signs of wear and tear, because every time an angel stands up the cherubs against it.

From their table, the women could see steaming main courses, scrumptious side dishes, and a table of desserts filled to the brimstone. They knew that if they didn’t get served soon enough, all that delicious food would just fly. But the roar of rushing up for food was interrupted by a creaking door. One last angel tried sneaking into the hall at the last moment.

If the silence wasn’t embarrassing enough, it would’ve been a miracle if the three ladies could help themselves from talking about Tori, the late arrival, but the writing was on the wall.

“I can’t believe she would just scroll in here so late,” Angelica started.

“Oh yes indeed. And didn’t she ride with Tabitha? Why would old Tab let her come alone?”

“Oh-a, I know-a at least 4-a other angels who had-a room. I’d expect-a that one-a the four give her a ride”

“She better hurry in line,” said Angelica.

“Without a doubt. This crowd of angles most definitely knows how to clear a food table.”

“Yes-a. It will all-a be purge-a, Tori will have-a nothing to eat!”

“But what did she bring?”

“Oh, no! Is that?”

“Yes-a, it is!”

The three angels looked at each, giggled, and yelled at once: “Deviled Eggs!”

Pinteresting Theory

Every time I try to put a picture of myself up on pinterest it’s like I’m wrestling with the website. After it’s all over, I get pinned!

The Butcher, The Baker, and the Torture Device Maker

The baker gave me a spiraled, metal donut with razor sharp edges. He could think of nothing cruller.

Drew Cares

I’m not saying that Drew Carey never makes decisions with his ego and superego. I’m saying that he worships trees.

Funeral Director

The funeral director always got up early. He was a mourning person.